anyone ever told you that one golden rule that pertains to girls friendship? the one about not getting with your friends ex boyfriends or ex flings? well every girl should know this, as it leads to a rocky relationship that may never be the same.

why cant i maintain relationships with girls? i feel like awful that i have no friends because i always seem to do something to end our friendship.

is it weird to already think about living with your partner after only being together for 6 months. well we decided once we have been together for 2 years then we will move in together.

falling for you and i dont know if i want to. im scared of how its going to end.

today hasnt been good at all. i feel like crying from all this crap that is going on in my life. i feel like shit for people saying shit about me that probably dont even know me well enough to be saying this. if your going to say shit, dont be a fucking chicken and post it in a honesty box. i know everyone is like oh dont worry about it, it doesnt matter. well it does to me, its terrible to think people think of you this way. knowing one person thinks this about me, well i but theres many more that have believed this person.


another shitty thing thats going on in my life is my friends. i feel like i have none or they care little about me. i always feel like the third wheel or im not as welcome as others. i hate feeling like if i wasnt there it wouldnt really matter to them. i feel like i get invited just so they can say i was invited and cant get mad about that. im done done done!

you seem like you dont really want to be around me anymore or you would rather hang out with other people rather than me.


maybe its totally untrue and im just being weird but this is how i feel.

am i the one wanting to say sorry to you when you should be saying sorry to me.

you know when you hear a certain song or smell a certain scent, you think of that one person? well thats what has happened the past 2 days. A guy a work came up to me to ask me a question and he smelled like that person. This morning i turned on the radio and that one song i remembered listening to when we were together was on. I was just like "god, what are you trying to tell me?" hahaha. Ive been thinking about this person a lot.




p.s.

this probably isnt the person your thinking im talking about.

know what ive realized? thats girls cant be trusted. well theres one i can trust, not even someone ive known for as long as my other friends. lately ive been hearing all these bad things said about me and its stuff that ive only told my friends and so its like come on i know your the ones saying this shit. hmm oh and what else is so great to see, friends flirting with people you like. maybe their not noticing that there doing that but i mean how can you NOT notice that. you can flirt with whoever else you want but please not with people i like, you dont understand how bad it hurts to see that.

i would rather not see you for a longgggggg time. you hurt me and im done with guys stomping on my heart.

so this is going to be a long entry, i have so many things on my mind at the moment.

1. ive realized how bad of a friend i am to most of my friends. i am so flaky and never stick to my plans and it pisses me off and i bet my friends feel 462496082 times more pissed off at me. im sorry to all.

2. well i wish i could punch you in the face because you like to make everyone around you mad, especially me. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?! do you not understand that when i tell you that i kind of like this one guy that means you DONT run right up to him and get all over him the whole night or maybe get on other peoples ex's. yea you need to learn to stop fucking people over. im glad people are slowly realizing that your a really shady person to befriend.

3. last night was a bad idea texting you because you make me feel so retarded spewing my feelings out in texts and then you never respond. i know you dont know what to say but i just need you to say something back to me so i at least know you've acknowledged what im telling you. i thought i was over you but i guess i was wrong. i absolutely hate love, well not hate but im pretty turned off of love. im done hooking up with people because the next day there is no satisfaction because you know that person isnt going to be there for you when your down or just need someone to talk to. i want someone to care about me and i think i might have found a candidate but that persons tends to treat me more of a friend and not how i want to be treated. who knows what will happen, im in a rut and i need to get out soon. im burnt out with everything; school, work, thinking about my future and trying to forget about the past. i just want to go on my senior expedition and just get away and maybe discover some new things about myself and just have a blast.

i think thats all of my ranting for now.

would have been a year today. i blame myself for this break up, no matter what anyone tries to tell me im going to blame myself for this.


today i was on the floor looking for my shoe and i came across this red envelope. on the front of it said honey bunny, so i immediately knew who it was from. i open the card and remember it was the one i was given for valentines day. on the inside it wrote, "your da bomb. im in love with you! (times a googolplex) love, tyler"

i started balling after i read it. i still dont understand. i guess i might never understand why it had to happen.



i miss you and will always have a place for you in my heart.

what the fuck did i just do? yea this is so unlike me.

no more thinking i have a chance to get back with you. i wish you felt as bad as i feel. you need to experience this pain. IM DONE FUCKING CRYING OVER YOU.



have a good life.

never missed someone or something so bad in my life. i just wish i could rewind time and have him back.

i really dont want to feel like this anymore. i visit a place we used to go and im just like ahh fuck i hate this place. everything reminds me of him, it fucking sucks.


someone give me some anti depressant pills or something, i just want to get better.

life is getting harder everyday when it should be getting easier. i miss him so much it hurts. the last time i saw him before he ended things i was so unbelievably happy. i remember laying in my bed on top of him and kissing him, i stopped for a second to look in his eyes and i just told him i loved him. this was one of the most sincerest i love you's ive ever said. when i saw you, you would make me the happiest girl in the entire world and im jealous that you might make some other girl just as happy as i once was.


i know ive fucked up so many times with getting mad at you but i love you with all my heart. i wish you felt the same way too and could forgive what i have done.



you were my first love and you broke my heart.

someone who gives me unconditional love. not the love you feel when you first get into a relationship which later on fades, but love that lasts forever. i know people dont believe someone can love you forever and forever but i believe there is that one person out there that wants to spend every waking moment with you. somehow my friends get those type of guys but their the type of people that cant stand to be suffocated.

wheres my clingy, wants to hang out everyday type of guy? come find me. i need you.

i dont know how i can be a bitch when i dont even talk to you. maybe i could be a bitch if i talked behind your back or said bad things about you but i havent even done that.

so how am i a bitch?

i dont even know what to do at the moment. im freaking out and this is the most scared i have EVER been. my whole life could be ruined because this.




PLEASE DONT LET THIS HAPPEN.